The moment. consider

Women like to wear what is currently in fashion. Look at jeans with holes in the knees and elsewhere – they are definitely “in”. I’d be too embarrassed to wear them, but fashion-conscious women pay a lot of money for them. In the doctor’s office, a rather plump elderly woman was waiting to be seen, wearing her “holy” jeans, and what the sanctity revealed was not a beard grooming kit  pretty sight. It does not matter. The important thing is to wear “what’s hot” and play “follow the leader”.

But what do I know. I iron my jeans. In the Costco checkout line, a woman behind me noticed three cans of spray starch in my shopping cart and she yelled, “OMG, are you still ironing?” I looked down my nose at her wrinkled, crumpled “what’s in” outfit and answered , my voice dripping with syrupy sweetness: “Yes, I iron. I even iron my socks.” (No, I don’t iron my socks. But this curious woman didn’t need to know.)

to play as women

When it comes to following fashions and fads, men are probably more inclined than women to play follow the leader. For example, consider the current “just rolled out of bed” look for business attire, which includes a wrinkled shirt (no tie, of course) and a scruffy beard. If I were a businessman I would be embarrassed to look like this in public, especially on TV. Because we’ve been conditioned not to judge everything, no one tells the clueless guys who look like something the cat dragged in to go home and clean up. Because we don’t want to call a mess a mess when it’s “in,” clothing standards are falling just a little more—a reflection of the overall state of the culture. Like the fable about the Emperor Who Wore No Clothes, we’ve got to a point where if our fearless leader were to appear naked on the White House lawn, his followers would applaud him and tell him how gorgeous he looks , especially if he had a beard.

You know , I don’t care what’s in or out. I judge beards…

As most women know (or should know), men are barbarians (yes, they really are) and not the cleanest creatures of God. Women who are God’s favored persons (guys, please don’t argue – you’re outnumbered) were created to civilize the barbarians, but unfortunately too many of our chosen charmers don’t do a very good job. Divine divas that we are, we have traumatized men to the point that many men don’t know how to be men or are scared of being men. They grow a beard in a lame attempt to show what men perceive as manifestations of masculinity that women cannot emasculate or emulate. (I could be wrong on that, but probably not, as I’m rarely wrong.)

a guy with a facial

My biggest problem with beards is that they are depots for disease. When you see a man with a face bush, you have to wonder how many decomposed remains from the last Thanksgiving turkey meal (or whatever) are petrified deep in the nooks and crannies.

When men thought of washing themselves

Because I am a chosen one and therefore always right, I must point out how right I am. It has been established (scientifically, of course) that bearded men have feces on their faces.

It would probably help if men remembered to wash their hands after going to the toilet, but barbarians they are, they don’t think so. Oh, I know beard sympathizers will say, “You can have fecal germs anywhere on your body, so relax.” To that I say, why make it easier than it already is to spread E-coli and other dangerous pathogens?

According to a group of microbiologists in New Mexico, the rancid bacteria that beards collect could be dangerous for the health of the owners.

Beards looking for bacteria

microbiologist John Golobic wiped a series of beards looking for bacteria for a study, noting that some of the bacteria “are the kind of things you find in feces.”

“I’m not usually surprised and this surprised me,” Golobic said. “There would be a certain uncleanliness that would be somewhat disturbing.”

Say what? “There would be a certain uncleanliness that would be a bit disturbing”?

Girlfriends, don’t tolerate your guy’s furry facade any longer! Men please women, they shave, pluck, pluck, and tear hair from almost every inch of their bodies in hopes of being attractive to the hairy barbarians, and then put up with shitty beards. I ask you – how stupid is that?

Aside from hygiene, there is another important issue with beards.

A beard is a mask. Would a sighted man in his right mind have a relationship with a woman whose face he has never seen? Unlikely. For the same reason, I refuse to believe that a normal woman would have a relationship with a man whose face she has never seen. Clean-shaven, he could look very different and be on the FBI’s “10 Most Wanted” list. Please no discussions about a woman who hides her face with cosmetics. At the end of the day, after everything is washed away, the real woman, for better or for worse, is revealed.

When a man is young

A beard is a deceptive affection. When a man is young a pretty veneer can hide the unsavory character he is really in, but over time the sum of every thought, action and belief he has ever thought or acted shows in his face. A beard on an older man hides or distorts the reality of who he really is.

The older a guy gets, the longer

It seems the older a guy gets, the longer he grows his beard because he’s either (a) too senile to keep himself clean, or (b) he’s delusional and beard oil for men thinks messing around is a sign of sexiness and manhood is that gone goodbye a very long time ago. It doesn’t seem to matter that a beard adds decades to his appearance and makes him look like a wannabe Santa or a frail time-dad.

If none of the above men motivates you to shave the leaves off your face and let the world see what handsome specimens they really are, consider that ISIS savages must wear a beard. The least Western men can do is shave their faces in protest. It’s a patriotic thing to do. Are there any real men out there willing to lead a National Shave It All Off Day?

AT THIS POINT

If beard enthusiasts reading this don’t have blood from their eyes and smoke from their ears, consider this: Would Donald Trump wear a beard for any amount of money? I do not think so. The majority of successful business people are clean-shaven. They are proud to show off their unadorned face that exudes strength and confidence. On the other hand, since nothing is certain in this life except death, taxes, and rigged elections, The Donald might grow a beard if he thought it would help him negotiate another juuuugen deal. But probably not. Love him or hate him, he doesn’t follow the leader.

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